FORTY YEARS WITH THE FORCE

 

my most embarrassing moment at high school

or away for half a day hands down or even off the wheel

was the day I took my DMV road test.

scored 100 on the written test.

it was the road test that killed it.

about a month's worth of my Grandfather's time on Saturdays

when I felt like I was speeding at 10 mph on a road almost no one ever used

for safety's sake led finally to a quiet transfer to a private driving instructor

and no more chortles from my sister when I asked if she'd like to go for a ride

that she'd just soon as not ride in a car thats veering onto the front lawn

just pulling out of the driveway.

now for the practical part of the red letter day exam.

not that far in Mr. policeman starts to lose his cool

we're heading out to the highway he said

and I knew I was doomed

and probably he was a little doomed too.

after three near collisions trying to ferret out how I was on

lane changes he said in a terse voice

we're heading back to the station now.

Im so happy to be off the highway and still living but

the t.v. theme song for Dragnet is thrumming in my head.

as I pull raggedly into the DMV parking lot

I hit the brakes pretty hard.

the cop's clipboard flips up and over the dashboard

 and breaks his nose. as he turns  red

as an Arkansas tomato at the peak of summer

refraining admirably from cursing.

not even going to ask you to parallel park he says, half dead and

slams the door

proceeds  rapidly into the lobby with me scampering along

behind him grateful its all over over over

and there's my grandmother sweet as pie

waiting to hear the results in her green chanel suit and little brown velvet hat

and gloves.

the broken nosed gentleman of the thin blue line

draws up to my Grandma in courtly fashion

and booms out to all the nervous kids still waiting

and their parents or elder siblings:

Madam!!! In my 40 years experience with the police force

I have never seen anyone, ANYONE with less control of a car.

My grandmother smiles, always the soul of courtesy

 and we get up to leave

and head on out to MacDonalds for cherry pies

with lots of butter as if

we're just out having fun on some school holiday while

Im praying my guts out inside

oh God please dont let anybody ask me when we get

back to school how my driver's test went.

and nobody does. I'd like to take this opportunity to thank

my Grandparents for never mentioning driving to me again.

and acting as if the whole thing never even happened.

mary angela douglas 6 june 2023