speak up they tell you
and it makes you want
to speak invisibly
in whatever dimensions remain
and even then in code,
or to stare out a window
and imagine yourself alone
you don't want to complain
it's just that it feels like
you should just be allowed
to speak exactly the way
your voice comes out on its own
and you would say listen harder
if you could think of that at the time
but you can't because hearing that command
speak up makes you feel like withering away
and staying silent for the rest of the schoolroom day
and you want to cry but you can't because
they're all staring now and she
won't ever let you sit down now unless until
you comply and get it right
but you're so scared you won't
because anyway how can you figure out
what's going to be loud enough for her
and the teacher's tapping her foot
and pursing her lips
and you REALLY don't want to hear this
say it again SPEAK UP because
then it will feel like she's screaming at you.
anyway you know you can't tell them
anything you're the one being told things
that's what going to school means
everytime the bell rings
and wondering when the next blows
going to come of being made to feel
ashamed in front of everyone
when you don't even know
what you did iwrong
and it hurts to talk now
like your throat is choked
with the wild tears
that come from a heart broken
mercilessly and its not
that you can control
anything that happens from now on
you're trapped and in your new dress
that made you so happy this morning
and everyone is still staring
all the ones whose voices are ok
because they were just born that way
and could all speak from the stage from babies
and be heard at the book of the hall
but you just want to go home because you're too small
where they can hear you fine without
putting you on the line and up in the front of the room
like you are some kind of monkey doomed
to repeat the scene for a Hollywood screen
hey, where's the bananas, don't I get one
because your voice wasn't good enough
the first time.
and you're not sure ir it will be now
if it ever will be again.
mary angela douglas 16 january 2018
and it makes you want
to speak invisibly
in whatever dimensions remain
and even then in code,
or to stare out a window
and imagine yourself alone
you don't want to complain
it's just that it feels like
you should just be allowed
to speak exactly the way
your voice comes out on its own
and you would say listen harder
if you could think of that at the time
but you can't because hearing that command
speak up makes you feel like withering away
and staying silent for the rest of the schoolroom day
and you want to cry but you can't because
they're all staring now and she
won't ever let you sit down now unless until
you comply and get it right
but you're so scared you won't
because anyway how can you figure out
what's going to be loud enough for her
and the teacher's tapping her foot
and pursing her lips
and you REALLY don't want to hear this
say it again SPEAK UP because
then it will feel like she's screaming at you.
anyway you know you can't tell them
anything you're the one being told things
that's what going to school means
everytime the bell rings
and wondering when the next blows
going to come of being made to feel
ashamed in front of everyone
when you don't even know
what you did iwrong
and it hurts to talk now
like your throat is choked
with the wild tears
that come from a heart broken
mercilessly and its not
that you can control
anything that happens from now on
you're trapped and in your new dress
that made you so happy this morning
and everyone is still staring
all the ones whose voices are ok
because they were just born that way
and could all speak from the stage from babies
and be heard at the book of the hall
but you just want to go home because you're too small
where they can hear you fine without
putting you on the line and up in the front of the room
like you are some kind of monkey doomed
to repeat the scene for a Hollywood screen
hey, where's the bananas, don't I get one
because your voice wasn't good enough
the first time.
and you're not sure ir it will be now
if it ever will be again.
mary angela douglas 16 january 2018
